Be Kind.

Today, I offer you this challenge:
Be Kind to your body and to your mind.

This will be a challenge. Observe your body and your mind as you live day in and day out. Every time that you judge, criticize, or throw blame at yourself, take a step back and remember what a beautiful being you are.

Living with chronic pain, it is very difficult to show absolute and complete kindness to my body and mind every single day. When my body is unpredictable in its betrayal of me, I find that the only thing I can do is answer with kindness and goodness. I must feed my body goodness with all of the things that bring me joy.

I encourage you to do the same. Yoga is not just a series of movements connecting to your breath - it is the WAY YOU LIVE!

Live joyously and hopefully. Regardless of what the day brings, store in your heart memories of goodness and peace and make an intention to feed your body and mind with kindness.

Go stand in the sunshine and breathe in the beauty around you!

Sending you light & love,

nessa

Life in Snap Shots.

Photos from my life. Starting from the top left, read it like a book.
❶ I'm in love with this man.
❷ Yoga, yoga, EVERYDAY - even when the pain is just TOO much - get on your mat and do 5 minutes worth of deep stretching. Use blankets, pillows, whatever you need to feel comfortable.
❸ My beautiful sister holding her daughter Allison.
❹ YOGA EVERY DAMN DAY!
❺ Beautiful day out at the lake.
❻ Packaging for orders! I am one blessed lady being able to work from home and create beautiful things to send out into the world! So thankful.
❼ From where I stand.
❽ Down dog is my go to pose to alleviate stress. When I get anxious or really stressed, I just fold forward, step back, and press my heals down. Hold for 5 deep inhales and exhales and then release.
❾ Me and the beautiful bride!
❿ Reunited with my lovely Lacey! She is my other half living in another city!
⓫ A photo of my sweet grandfather. He passed away not too long ago. What a great man he was.
⓬ Reverse warrior on a bridge. Whenever you lack confidence, or are losing hope, or maybe just have the blues - PRACTICE the warriors. They are called "warrior poses" for a reason. They help make you strong, confident, and joyful.
⓭ I really do love him so much.
⓮ Practice even when you ache.
⓯ My boyfriend bustin' a side crow.
⓰ KNITS!

Sending light & love to you,

nessa

New Creations: Cute and Cozy!

I've been filled with inspiration for knits to create for spring/summer. My head is full of bouncing ideas, but unfortunately it takes me 1-2 weeks to actually experiment and create what's in my head. I have a few new things and they are all very special to me. Creep out the new products here.

First up are the new and improved Nataliedee Bow Headbands. They are thicker, more durable, and bigger so they POP a little more. The cutest addition to any outfit.

This second item is a bow necklace. I've created it slightly larger than my original attempt. It's also set on a more delicate bronze chain. I especially love this in ocean!

One of my favorite new things are slippers! My feet are always cold, and now they are nice and cozy in the little mum slippers I've created!

And I am absolutely crazy about these mary janes. I wear these ones to sleep so I wake up with them on and don't have to step on the cold wooden floors.

 These marble ones are just adorable. I get bored with solid colors - these marble ones are a pastel lovers dream.

I hope you love these as much as I do.

I'll be creating more and posting each week!

Nessa

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow...

I wanted to write a little bit today about hope. Whenever my physical pain really sets into my body, my first and natural reaction is panic, anxiety, crying. I get frustrated if it interferes with any plans I've already made or if I have to call in to work. And usually there is always a hint of sadness as I remember the days when I was pain free. To be completely honest, I don't remember those days anymore. I don't know what it feels like to not be in some sort of physical pain, constantly. I don't say this to inspire sympathy or sadness - but more to spark an honest dialogue explaining how I deal with this day in and day out.

Three years ago I was living life in remission. My symptoms from my lupus were calmed down and I would only experience light waves of pain and very few incidents of extreme fatigue. I was able to work, attend school, go out with friends, and stay up all night. I met some amazing people, had some life changing experiences, and loved every minute of it. I found no reason to tell people about my illnesses because my symptoms were so calm. I didn't even tell the girls I worked with. Eventually my illnesses started roaring again. It was a struggle to get out of bed, even more pain to turn the faucet, and brushing my teeth was absolute agony because I was just weak and had no energy. I eventually had to explain to my co-workers and friends all that I was dealing with. And once I knew for certain that the pain was only escalating, I called my parents and shamefully asked them if I could move back home. I knew that this was only the beginning and I needed the support of my family.

When I look back at this time in my life, it's easy to see failure.

I think of what great things I had and the busy life I was living and I somehow manage to convince myself that those were the best days.

This is a lie. This is one of THE BIGGEST lies that my mind has to fight against.

What I am getting at here, is that the best days are never behind you. Many things in this life we cannot control. But we can always hope. When you get anxious or stressed, angry or tired -- take a moment to look at your past. Then fill yourself with hope for today. Fill yourself with hope for tomorrow. It's the best thing you can do for yourself.

Today I am still not in remission, but thankfully I am able to work as a yoga instructor with an extremely understanding and fun staff. I am able to make a living designing and creating knits. I live on my own, and while each day is a struggle to do the things that everyone else doesn't think twice about - I allow myself to get excited when I am able to wash the dishes and fold clothes and still have energy to do my yoga or complete Etsy orders. I have family, friends, and a boyfriend who love and support me. This is a good day. And tomorrow will be better.

I invite you to take a moment to remember your past - just a moment. Take a deep inhale and FILL yourself up with hope for today and whatever it may bring. Exhale out all the negativity keeping you from remaining hopeful.

Hope is your biggest weapon against sadness, against pain, against fear of the future.

Writing to you with all the love in my heart,
as today was a huge test of keeping my own hope alive,

Nessa

Rain, Rain, Go Away... Come again another day. No wait, seriously,... Never come back.

Many doctors have told me that there is no scientific evidence that links weather change to pain levels. Well, with all due respect for your years of dedication to your education and your many accredited titles along with that crowning moment you were deemed a doctor... I'd like to say:

I call BULLSHIT.

Don't get it twisted, doctors are valuable beyond comprehension and indeed they do prolong and even save lives. But there are some things that a doctor will never truly understand. No matter how I try to explain to family and friends that the rain sparks up a truly remarkable level of pain and stiffness in my body -- I don't believe that my words will ever truly do the pain justice. The people in my life are so loving and kind to check up on me daily and offer help to me whenever they can - I am beyond grateful for this. I know many others living with chronic pain might not have as fortunate of a situation. But that fact still remains, that when it rains, it's truly an unexplainable sensation. 

I used to love the rain. I found the sound of raindrops on my window soothing and even healing. I loved the way the clouds overwhelmed the sky and my room was illuminated with this mystic blue color that just seemed to paint everything around me. I loved the rain. 

But now rain is something very different to me. About 24 hours before the rain falls, my entire body begins to ache. Each joint in its socket feels like it's being penetrated by sandpaper. My spine feels like a million little thumb tacks are being slowly poked into each vertebrae and well my mind...

I've pretty much lost my mind by that point.

My loved ones have watched time and time again as the weather changes and my body is hurled into a storm of pain and exhaustion. 

There are a few poses, however, that help the pain calm down and clear my mind to the point where I can be slightly productive. 

Because my fibromyalgia is at it's highest intensity during extreme stress and extreme weather change, I find that it's best to keep my yoga practice simple. This yoga practice that I am sharing with you is designed for those unexplainable sensations we have when it rains.

Start by taking a moment to center yourself. What does "center yourself" mean? Just take a few moments to sit (comfortably) and take deep breaths in and out thru your nose. Try and do this for 1-2 minutes. You can have your eyes open if you aren't comfortable closing them -- but if you close your eyes it will help you to focus on making your breaths deeper and deeper. Make sure you are sitting up straight and you are relaxing your shoulders down away from your ears.

 Once you have taken a moment to breathe deeply - move onto all fours. Personally, I always experience pain when on all fours so I always pad my knees with a thick blanket. Make sure you are comfortable. Once you are on all fours with your shoulders stacked over the wrists, and hips stacked over the knees (keeping all joints aligned) take a DEEP inhale and arch your back and tilt your head up. Don't force any arch - let your body move only as much as it's comfortable. This is called "Cow Pose".

After you are done with your DEEP inhale with an arched back, take a DEEP exhale and round your back, relax your neck and press yourself up and AWAY from your mat. This is called "Cat Pose". I emphasize DEEP inhales and DEEP exhales because when your breath coordinates with your movement you give your body the opportunity to calm itself, heal itself, and relieve all the stress that the pain causes. Repeat Cat / Cow Pose for 5-10 repetitions. Do more if your body will allow. BUT PLEASE NOTE**** Cat / Cow pose is not a rapid movement - remember you are matching the movement to your slow deep breathing that you practiced during your time to center yourself. 

After you are done practicing Cat / Cow Pose - Go ahead and bring your hips back to your heels and let your forehead rest on your mat. This is called "Child's Pose". Crawl your fingers forward and then plant them down on your mat. Really press each finger down into the mat and feel the deep stretch that this creates in your shoulders. If shoulders are feeling to achey then simple relax your arms down by your sides - fingers reaching toward the back of the room. Take a few moments to breathe deeply in and out thru the nose.

Once you've taken a moment to breathe deeply in child's pose, return back to all fours. Make sure your shoulders are stacked over the wrists, and your hips are stacked over your knees. From all fours take a DEEP inhale. Curl your toes underneath, lift the knees, and hike the hips up towards the sky. Take your exhale while gently pressing your heels down to your mat. This is called "Downward Facing Dog". Your heels never have to touch the mat. I urge you to press the heels gently so that you can feel the deep stretch that takes place in the backs of the legs. Take 3-4 DEEP inhales and exhales thru your nose holding this pose. If at any point your arms are too weak or you feel a sharp pain ANYWHERE - return to all fours and then back to child's pose to breathe deeply and let your body regroup.

****THIS BY FAR HAS BEEN ONE OF THE MOST HELPFUL POSES FOR MY FIBROMYALGIA AND LUPUS**** From Down dog, slowly start alternating bending each knees. Once again - remember that this isn't a rapid movement. Take your time and when you're ready bend the left knee fully and let your hips sink down. Be careful as you allow your hips to sink - start small. Hold this stretch for at LEAST 30-45 seconds. Continue breathing deeply. Repeat on the other side.

Once you are done stretching out each leg in down dog return to regular down dog pose and then return to all fours. Bring your hips back to your heels again and let your head rest on your mat. Take 5-10 breaths deeply in and out thru your nose. Once you are done here, slowly roll over on your back - extend both legs out. Have your arms down by your sides. Close your eyes and breathe deep. Remember that you are beautiful. And while pain may seem strong, it doesn't get to claim victory over your life. YOU DO! 

You are the radiant one.

You are the one that lives day in and day out with constant struggle and yet you continue to shine brightly for everyone to see. I hope that this brings you blessings and helps you out on your next rainy day. 

Please remember while you practice to be kind to your body and know that your reward will come.

Sending light & love to each of you,

Nessa

New Start

I wrote this entry about a year and a half ago. I had every intention of keeping a blog illustrating my life living with lupus & fibromyalgia, cataloging my creative works, and giving encouragement and support to others wanting to practice yoga. That plan never fully took flight. But now, I am in a new chapter of my life. Living in a new city, faced with new challenges and given even more new inspirations, I find that I must write it all down. I'm not a person who believes that my life is so interesting that I must record every single event for people to see. Because, well honestly, it's not. But I am sure that my life is not ordinary and that others living with my challenges and gifts will find some hope, light, and love in my words. That is my hope. Read if you like. 

Hi. My name is Vanessa. You can call me ness.

Recently something has happened. I know this first sentence may seem a bit bland and maybe even pointless, but allow me to explain. Recently something has happened and changed my life forever. It was as if there was a shift in the universe. It was as if time and space stood completely still for just this one moment of clarity.

Let me give you a little background info. I am a 23 year old yogi living with lupus and fibromyalgia. My moment of clarity came during one of my routine visits with my rheumatologist. The relationship that I have with my doctors is a bit different from the awkward greetings we shared when I was first diagnosed. My doctors have seen me through 5 years of highs and lows. Needless to say, I have become comfortable telling them exactly what's going on in my head and what I believe is happening in my body. I know they are here for the long haul. We have had countless conversations about my stress levels affecting my health. One day I decided that I needed to be more active. I went to a yoga class at the gym. At the end of a yoga class you are given a couple minutes to lay on your mat and rest from the practice. I laid there crying. Feeling tears roll down my face was a sensation I was all too familiar with. But these weren’t tears of sadness, these were tears of joy. I finally peeled myself off the floor, rolled up my mat, and walked out the door to my car. As I sat in my car, feeling like I was being burnt to a crisp in a toaster oven, my mind was suddenly flooded with questions. Did she put me under a sort of trance? What the hell just happened in there? Where did this joy come from? How long will this joy last?

I decided that I didn't want to know the answer to the last question. Now I know I simply wasn't ready for the answer. I have continued to practice yoga regularly through the unpredictable nature of my illnesses. Even further, I decided to attend a 200 hour yoga teacher training course. Entering into this whirlwind has taught me a great deal to start as a yoga teacher - but, even more, it has taught me about myself. I've seen healing in my life both physically and mentally. Yoga is no longer something I practice in order to keep my illnesses calm. Yoga is the way in which I wish to live day in and day out. The best part is...
the joy never has to end.

Getting back to the original point - this shift in the universe, stars aligning, fate, destiny, call it what you will; as I was sitting in my doctors office, I could feel a definite imbalance in my body. Something was off and I was frantically trying to piece together all the little stresses in my life to figure out where this feeling was stemming from. My life had become quite stressful at that time and I didn't even know where to start.

I am a very prideful person. I don’t like for people to see me cry. I am always unsuccessful at hiding tears because, well, my eyes are so damn huge. I don’t like people seeing me cry because, to me, crying is an intimate action - it’s a release of overwhelming emotion. It’s a vulnerable state. Any of my friends will tell you that my crying face is no joke - it’s horrendous. Mascara stained weepy eyes and a bright red face is not a good look for me.

As I sat in the doctors office my eyes began to water - I was completely swept up in the stresses of my life. Before I could let out the first sob, my doctor looked me in the eye and said one sentence... “this isn’t your fault”.

5 years. 5 years, I have been living with this disease and no one had ever said those words to me.

I stared at my doctor in shock. I had no response - not even a sarcastic retort that usually gets me out of discussing things I don’t want to talk about. So naturally, my eyes became weepy and tears flooded my cheeks. But once again, these were not tears of sadness.

That was the moment.

That was the moment I realized that I couldn’t blame myself anymore. I was unknowingly blaming myself for every lupus flare and every time my fibro symptoms intensified. My mind was constantly racing with thoughts of regret and “shoulda coulda woulda”. I have tried every diet and EVERY coping mechanism in hopes of ridding myself of this illness and suppressing my emotional response to it. At that moment, everything else turned to dust. A huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and thrown out to sea. I could stop punishing myself for my painful days. I could stop reflecting on every one of my actions to blame for a lupus flare. I was free...

I am free.

After that moment, things slowly began to change. I realized that if there was enough room in my heart to harbor so much pain, sadness, and resentment, then that ultimately meant that there was MORE than enough room to empty out those terrible feelings and allow forgiveness, grace, and love to grow in my heart. I’ve never been known as a ray of sunshine. A friend actually told me once that I am like the moon. And now, I would have to agree with her. The moon waxes and wanes but no matter the size of the moon or its spot in the night sky - it always illuminates the darkness. I will illuminate all that I can - through the good days and the bad.

I hope this first post gives you a window into my heart as I start writing weekly posts on this blog.